The COVID-19 pandemic and the public health response to this crisis requires us to spend more time together in our homes and have disrupted our routines. Many are also experiencing financial uncertainty, disruptions in mental health services, and other stressors. In moments like this, families may experience greater levels of stress, anxiety, and social isolation, which, in turn, can increase conflicts between family members. They also provide us with opportunities to connect with each other and practice self-care.

(Rhonda C. Boyd, Ph.D., Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia)

The approach sets forth two major principles. First, challenging behavior in kids is best understood as the result of lagging emotional skills (in flexibility/ adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving) rather than the result of parenting styles. 

And second, the best way to reduce challenging behaviours is by working together with the youth to solve the problems that set the behaviours in motion in the first place. 

Some people are low on love and warmth towards their children, and they‘re also low on limits and boundaries. In other words, they don‘t show much interest in what their children do, and they don‘t show much evidence that they really care about their children. These parents are known as ’neglectful‘.

Children raised in neglectful environments typically struggle because basic relationship needs are unmet. They do poorly in school and with friends. And they typically lack self-regulation, meaning they make poor choices around alcohol and other drugs, treating others well, and keeping the law

There are some parents who are ultra-loving and super-warm, but they‘re so concerned with kindness they regularly choose to forego limits and boundaries. The kids get away with anything and everything. These parents are known as ’permissive‘.

Some research shows that indulged children may behave in entitled, spoiled ways. And because of their heavy reliance on others to meet their needs, they may struggle with resilience. They can also be resistant to limits because they are not used to having them imposed.

Authoritarian parents are strict and are often lacking in warmth, especially when enforcing limits. Their way of being towards their children can be “I‘ll say it once. I expect you to do it. And if you don‘t, I‘ll come down hard on you".

Many parents swing between permissive and authoritarian. They‘re kind and permissive, and they let the children get away more and more until they can‘t take it anymore. They blow up and things get totally out of control.

Kids who grow up with hardline parents will often be rebellious – so long as no one is looking. And families can be fractured because of the cold, harsh way their parents respond.

Diana Baumrind – the researcher credited with developing the parenting styles model – suggested that authoritative parents ought to rely heavily on their power to coerce their children to comply with limits. And that they should just do it warmly, where possible. The idea here is that we clearly show we are the parent, and we have firm, strict rules. We just need to stay warm and “kind” while we‘re putting our kids in time out or removing privileges from them for doing something we don‘t like.

In this model, adults have all the power, and youth often fail to attach meaning to the issue or consequence; they just need to put in their time.

The third principle, problem solving, is the powerful part of the process. It is where the adult invites the youth to come up with limits and then guide them accordingly. This is how teens  internalize and “buy-into” the rules – because they‘re making them up with the care givers, rather than having rules as demands.