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January/February 2024
Navigating adolescence can be like walking a tightrope between peer connections and family ties. The developmental stage of 'peer orientation' highlights the natural shift towards friends playing a central role during the middle years. While peer connections become a vital support system for emotional expression and social skill development, the journey through social pressures, romantic interests, and self-discovery can stir intense emotions in teens. The steady anchor of family support remains essential in navigating friendships and romantic relationships, while providing a safe space for discussions around consent and the importance of healthy relationship dynamics.
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There are two important friendships truths. First, friendships naturally change over time. They wax and wane as people and life change. Second, in any relationship, misunderstandings are common. We are all human and have different expectations and needs. And we all mess up.
The Friendship Pyramid visual helps to remove some of the ambiguity when discussing relationships. It also reminds youth what to look for in friendship and how to be a good friend.
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Youth (and adults) are works-in-progress. We are doing the best we can given our circumstances on any given day. Through our friendships, we grow, change, and learn to be our best selves. (Jessica Speer) A lot of weight can be added to the term ’best friend‘ in the ever-changing friendship landscape of adolescence. Author Jessica Speer created this visual to help teens gain understanding of the different layers of relationship.
Download PDF Here
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As parents, it‘s extremely hard to see our kids struggle. We want to alleviate their pain and solve problems, so we tend to jump right in and offer quick solutions. But often, our efforts only make US feel better. And we miss the opportunity to help our kids navigate their emotions, feel heard and develop healthy relational skills.
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As you go through these steps It is important to keep your emotions and reactions in-check to best help your adolescent.
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Listen and empathize. When we help our kids identify and talk about their feelings, we‘re helping them develop emotional intelligence. Ask what emotions they‘re feeling. Where do they feel the emotion inside their body? (jaw clenched, stomach ache, etc) When we name our emotions, we can begin to tame them.
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Ask questions to get a deeper understanding of their world. Social dynamics are more complex than they first appear. Remember, you are hearing just one perspective of the story. After you‘ve listened deeply and helped your adolescent identify emotions, empathize. As humans, it‘s incredibly healing to feel heard and understood. When parents do this step, children feel loved, supported and bond grows stronger (see Emotion Coaching in Resources). |
Have your child lead problem solving. Once you and your adolescent have a good understanding of the situation and they are feeling more settled, ask if they have any ideas on possible solutions. You can share your ideas too, but make sure they take the lead and make the final choice on their path. Your child might feel better after processing their emotions and often there is no more action that needs to be taken.
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Be their cheerleader and coach. Chances are that your adolescent is going to be nervous about implementing their solution. This is your chance to be their cheerleader and offer encouragement. (“You can do this!”) Check-in with them later to see how things went and continue your support as needed. Through this process, your child is developing the skills and confidence to solve their own problems.
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| My Adolescent was Dumped by her Friends, How Can I Help?
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Why do adolescents suddenly turn on friends and ice them out of a group? It’s something Dr. Lisa says she's been hearing about more often in recent months as adolescents need shared interests to hold their groups together, and that "social glue" was depleted by the pandemic. We take a look at how this negative behavior can emerge in friend groups and quickly become destructive. Reena asks if adults should call out mean behavior or reach out to other parents when social groups turn sour. Dr. Lisa covers what adolescents should do when classmates are nice to them one-on-one but won't include them in groups at school.
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LISTEN TO PODCAST
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Lots of parents dread talking to their kids about sex, and their kids may feel the same. But your adolescent needs your advice and authority more than they need you to be their best friend. Even if talking about sex is uncomfortable, it‘s a conversation that should happen.
As early as middle school, adolescents are under pressure to do sexual things they may not be ready for.
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All adolescents should understand that they don‘t need to hook up with anyone or do anything physical that they don‘t want to do. And they don‘t need to give a reason for their feelings. Just because they‘ve done something before with someone doesn‘t mean they need to do it again. And their partner needs to respect that. It‘s not rude to say no but it is rude to ignore somebody else‘s boundaries.
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CONSENT
When it comes to adolescents and sex, we now teach kids that a prerequisite for sexual activity and the way to be safe is consent. Consent needs to be explicit, and it needs to be given repeatedly as a sexual encounter becomes more intimate.
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While that concept might seem simple, many adolescents find it awkward and difficult to ask, grant, or withhold consent. It is important for parents to address the issue directly in the context of sex when they get to be adolescents.
For kids to truly understand consent they need to view others with empathy — something that doesn’t always come naturally during the self-centered years of adolescence.
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 | Parents should address the dangerous role of pressure — feeling or applying it — when it comes to consent.
It’s never okay to pressure someone to engage in any kind of sexual or romantic activity — or to go further or faster than they’re ready for. Likewise, no one should ever pressure them to do the same. If someone is applying pressure, don’t be quiet or stay put. “It’s okay to say, ‘You know, you’re really making me feel uncomfortable, I don’t want to do this,’ and leave the situation.
Peer pressure can also play a role. Kids may worry that they’re “behind” their friends sexually, or feel pressure to do things they’re not ready for to win approval.
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CONSENT AND SUBSTANCE USE To begin with, we have to acknowledge that a lot of non-consensual encounters happen in situations where one or both parties are intoxicated. So if alcohol or drugs are involved, that‘s a warning sign right away. Parents should take special care to focus on the role it plays in a person‘s ability to give, or get, consent.
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People who are intoxicated, asleep or otherwise impaired can‘t give consent — no matter what.
When it comes to substance use, parents may be tempted to stick with “Don‘t do it,” and leave it at that. However, when it comes to helping your child stay safe, it‘s important to go a little deeper.
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Set up a safety plan for situations where drugs or alcohol are likely to be involved. For example, your child could agree to go on the buddy system with a friend to ensure they both leave the party safely. Or you could make a plan for them to call to check in or be picked up at a specific time.
Encourage your child to help others stay safe as well. If they notice someone is intoxicated and in an unsafe situation or being pushed to do something they don‘t want to do, don‘t ignore it. Instead, do what you can to safely help them leave and find help.
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Verbal consent - It’s important for adolescents to check in with their partners and themselves often. Help adolescents avoid potentially dangerous situations by working out some questions they can use to check in with their partner. For example:
- Are you enjoying yourself?
- Are we moving too fast?
- Are you still okay with this?
- Are you comfortable with me touching you here?“
We also want adolescents to remember that only a resounding ‘yes’ equals consent. Anything less committal, or less clear, is a sign that it’s time to stop and check in before you continue.
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Non-verbal consent - Asking questions often is a big part of ensuring both parties are feeling comfortable, but verbal consent isn’t always enough. Adolescents should also be tuned into non-verbal cues, for example:
- Pay attention to body language. Does your partner seem physically comfortable?
- Are they leaning in or pulling away?
- Are they responding well or avoiding being touched?
- Are both people initiating sexual contact — or is it one-sided?
- Do they seem relaxed?
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What isn’t consent - Helping adolescents identify what isn’t consent can be just as important as helping them understand what is. Examples of things that do not equal consent include:
- Flirting
- Wearing a sexy outfit
- Any answer other than a clear “yes” when asked if it’s okay to continue
- The other person hasn’t asked you to stop
- The other person seems like they’re “really into it”
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PARENT GUIDE
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Having these conversation can present a challenge at
times. Teach Consent is a website that offers videos and resources that can prompt the conversation with your teen. You can use this 1-minute video to spark conversations about respectful relationships, the importance of consent, and how teens can ask for and give consent in their friendships and dating relationships. The Parent Guide offers conversation starters to open up a discussion after watching the video.
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Below is an example of information included in a brochure on Respect and Sexual Consent that you may download and share with your child. It is important to be aware of the law and consent.
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As you navigate the middle years with your adolescent remember that your steady presence is a guiding force. It's crucial to recognize that, amidst the excitement and turbulence, it's okay for both you and your teen to feel frustrated or make mistakes. Parenting during this period can be complex, and acknowledging that imperfections are part of the process is important. Fostering open communication, staying engaged, and practicing patience are key elements in navigating this crucial phase.
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| The importance of friendships during the adolescent years cannot be overstated, as they play a significant role in shaping a child's sense of identity and self-worth. Real friendships that allow children to be themselves, create an environment where they can express their thoughts, feelings, and aspirations without fear of judgment.
When surrounded by friends who appreciate them for who they are, middle schoolers are more likely to embrace their unique qualities, develop self-confidence, and believe in their own capabilities.
This poster encourages students to look for friends that possess these qualities.
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Visit the archived Snapshots that cover a variety of topics such as social media, mental health, friendships, bullying, substance use, vaping, consent, conflict resolution and more!
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The content provided through the Snapshots is for informational purposes only. It includes general information and does not specifically address the diverse child rearing challenges parents and caregivers may encounter. Readers are encouraged to verify information and consider their individual circumstances when making decisions. The content is not a substitute for professional advice.
*The term "parent" as used in the Snapshot is inclusive of anyone who is actively involved in raising a child, whether it be biological parents, adoptive parents, guardians, or any other caregivers.
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