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January/February 2024
By the time teens reach high school, friendships become more stable. This is likely because individual identities are more solid and teens learn to accept greater differences in one another. As a result, compromise increasingly takes the place of conforming to peer norms.
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Concern over reputation peaks in grade 8/9. That means most high school students are less worried about how they are perceived and more focused on the social dynamics within their peer groups. There is also a shift in the importance of romantic partners over friends by the 10th grade.
This Snapshot provides a guide to supporting your teen in navigating their social world and dating experiences.
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There are two important friendships truths. First, friendships naturally change over time. They wax and wane as people and life change. Second, in any relationship, misunderstandings are common. We are all human and have different expectations and needs. And we all mess up.
The Friendship Pyramid visual helps to remove some of the ambiguity when discussing relationships. It also reminds youth what to look for in friendship and how to be a good friend.
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Youth (and adults) are works-in-progress. We are doing the best we can given our circumstances on any given day. Through our friendships, we grow, change, and learn to be our best selves. (Jessica Speer) A lot of weight can be added to the term ‘best friend’ in the ever-changing friendship landscape of adolescence. Author Jessica Speer created this visual to help teens gain understanding of the different layers of relationship.
Download PDF Here
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It is important to educate youth about the characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships before they start to date. They may not be equipped with the necessary skills to develop healthy relationships, or know how to break up appropriately if necessary. Maintaining open lines of communication with them may help them recognize the signs of unhealthy relationships, preventing potential emotional or physical abuse before it starts.
Healthy relationships share certain characteristics that teens should learn to expect. They include:
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Mutual respect. Respect means that each person values who the other is, and understands the other person‘s boundaries.
Trust. Partners should place trust in each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Understanding. Each partner should take time to understand what the other might be feeling.
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Being a role model. By embodying what respect means, partners can inspire each other, friends, and family to also behave in a respectful way.
Good communication. Each partner should speak honestly and openly to avoid miscommunication. If one person needs to sort out their feelings, the other should respect those wishes and wait until they are ready to talk.
Anger control. We all get angry, but how we express it can affect our relationships. Anger can be handled in healthy ways such as taking a deep breath, counting to ten, or talking it out.
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Fighting fair. Everyone argues but those who are fair, stick to the subject and avoid insults, are more likely to come up with a possible solution. Partners should take a short break from each other if the discussion gets too heated.
Compromise. In a dating relationship, each partner does not always get their way.
Both should acknowledge different points of view and be willing to give and take.
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Problem solving. Dating partners can learn to solve problems and identify new solutions by breaking a problem into small parts or by talking through the situation.
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Healthy sexual relationship. Dating partners engage in a sexual relationship that both are comfortable with, and neither partner feels pressured or forced to engage in sexual activity that is outside their comfort zone or without consent.
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I'M NOT READY FOR MY KID TO BE IN LOVE, HELP! How should we talk to our kids about what it means to fall in love? Parents know how good it can feel to make a strong connection and be on the receiving end of affection, but we also want to shield kids from heartbreak. Dr. Lisa helps walks us through how we can talk with our kids about both the emotional and physical sides of love, while Reena asks key questions about how to deal with the fact that these conversations are often uncomfortable for both parents and kids.
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Dr. Lisa explains how we can keep these important discussions going without being awkward or dismissive - offering a "swat team" strategy that can make a big difference. This episode also includes key guidance about how to make the most of the openings our kids provide to talk about young love.
LISTEN TO PODCAST
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Unhealthy relationships are marked by characteristics such as disrespect and control. It is important for youth to be able to recognize signs of unhealthy relationships before they escalate. Some characteristics of unhealthy relationships include:
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Control. One dating partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, what to wear, or who to spend time with. They are unreasonably jealous, and/or try to isolate the other from their friends and family.
Hostility. One dating partner picks a fight or antagonizes the other. This may lead to one partner changing their behavior in order to avoid upsetting the other.
Physical violence. One partner uses force to get their way (such as hitting, slapping, grabbing, or shoving).
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Dishonesty. One dating partner lies to, keeps information from the other or steals from them.
Disrespect. One dating partner makes fun of the opinions and interests of the other or destroys something that belongs to them.
Dependence. One dating partner feels that they “cannot live without” the other. They may threaten to do something drastic if the relationship ends. |
Intimidation. One dating partner tries to control aspects of the other's life by making the other fearful or timid. One partner may threaten violence or a break-up.
Sexual violence. One dating partner pressures or forces the other into sexual activity against their will or without consent.
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LISTEN TO PODCAST
| HOW CAN I TALK MY TEEN OUT OF A TOXIC ROMANCE? A mother writes in asking how to protect her adolescent from a controlling and degrading relationship. Dr. Lisa and Reena discuss the nature of unhealthy relationships and how and when adults should intervene. Reena asks how parents can recognize the early signs of a harmful connection. Lisa explains how thoughtful people can find themselves in bad relationships and why the stakes can be incredibly high for a adolescent's well-being.
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Lots of parents dread talking to their kids about sex, and their kids may feel the same. But your teen needs your advice and authority more than they need you to be their best friend. Even if talking about sex is uncomfortable, it’s a conversation that should happen.
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As early as middle school, adolescents are under pressure to do sexual things they may not be ready for. All adolescents should understand that they don’t need to hook up with anyone or do anything physical that they don’t want to do. And they don’t need to give a reason for their feelings. Just because they’ve done something before with someone doesn’t mean they need to do it again. And their partner needs to respect that. It’s not rude to say no but it is rude to ignore somebody else’s boundaries.
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When it comes to teens and sex, we now teach that a prerequisite for appropriate sexual activity and the way to be safe is consent. Consent needs to be explicit, and it needs to be given repeatedly as a sexual encounter becomes more intimate. While that concept might seem simple, many teens find it awkward and difficult to ask, grant, or withhold consent. It is important for parents to address the issue directly in the context of sex when they get to be adolescents.
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Verbal consent - It‘s important for teens to check in with their partners and themselves often. Help teens avoid potentially dangerous situations by working out some questions they can use to check in with their partner. For example:
- Are you enjoying yourself?
- Are we moving too fast?
- Are you still okay with this?
- Are you comfortable with me touching you here?“
We also want teens to remember that only a resounding ’yes‘ equals consent. Anything less committal, or less clear, is a sign that it‘s time to stop and check in before you continue.
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Non-verbal consent - Asking questions often is a big part of ensuring both parties are feeling comfortable, but verbal consent isn‘t always enough. Adolescents should also be tuned into non-verbal cues, for example:
- Pay attention to body language. Does your partner seem physically comfortable?
- Are they leaning in or pulling away?
- Are they responding well or avoiding being touched?
- Are both people initiating sexual contact — or is it one-sided?
- Do they seem relaxed?
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What isn‘t consent - Helping adolescents identify what isn‘t consent can be just as important as helping them understand what is. Examples of things that do not equal consent include:
- Flirting
- Wearing a sexy outfit
- Any answer other than a clear “yes” when asked if it‘s okay to continue
- The other person hasn‘t asked you to stop
- The other person seems like they‘re “really into it”
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Parents should address the dangerous role of pressure — feeling or applying it — when it comes to consent.
It‘s never okay to pressure someone to engage in any kind of sexual or romantic activity — or to go further or faster than they‘re ready for. Likewise, no one should ever pressure them to do the same. If someone is applying pressure, don‘t be quiet or stay put. “It‘s okay to say, ’You know, you‘re really making me feel uncomfortable, I don‘t want to do this,‘ and leave the situation.
Peer pressure can also play a role. Teens may worry that they‘re “behind” their friends sexually, or feel pressure to do things they‘re not ready for to win approval.
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CONSENT AND SUBSTANCE USE To begin with, we have to acknowledge that a lot of non-consensual encounters happen in situations where one or both parties are intoxicated. So if alcohol or drugs are involved, that’s a warning sign right away. Parents should take special care to focus on the role it plays in a person’s ability to give, or get, consent.
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People who are intoxicated, asleep or otherwise impaired can’t give consent — no matter what.
When it comes to substance use, parents may be tempted to stick with “Don’t do it,” and leave it at that. However, when it comes to helping your child stay safe, it’s important to go a little deeper.
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Set up a safety plan for situations where drugs or alcohol are likely to be involved. For example, your child could agree to go on the buddy system with a friend to ensure they both leave the party safely. Or you could make a plan for them to call to check in or be picked up at a specific time.
Encourage your teen to help others stay safe as well. If they notice someone is intoxicated and in an unsafe situation or being pushed to do something they don’t want to do, don’t ignore it. Instead, do what you can to safely help them leave and find help.
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The age of consent to sexual activity is 16 years. Sexual activity includes kissing, sexual touching and sexual intercourse. Consent is the basis or foundation for sexual relationships.
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Close in age exceptions
A 14 or 15 year old can consent to sexual activity as long as the partner is less than five years older and there is no relationship of trust, authority or dependency or any other exploitation of the young person. This means that if the partner is 5 years or older than the 14 or 15 year old, any sexual activity is a criminal offence.
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BROCHURE ON SEXUAL CONSENT
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There is also a "close in age" exception for a 12 and 13 year old. A 12 or 13 year old can consent to sexual activity with a partner as long as the partner is less than two years older and there is no relationship of trust, authority or dependency or any other exploitation of the young person. This means that if the partner is 2 years or older than the 12 or 13 year old, any sexual activity is a criminal offence.
| A 16 or 17 year old cannot consent to sexual activity if:
- their sexual partner is in position of trust or authority towards them, for example their teacher or coach
- the young person is dependent on their sexual partner, for example for care or support
- the relationship between the young person and their sexual partner is exploitative
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| Understanding all the components of consent is crucial for teenagers. Consent is not merely a yes or no; it involves clear communication, mutual agreement, and a clear understanding of each other's boundaries and desires. It encompasses the right to say no at any point, the necessity for explicit and enthusiastic agreement, and the acknowledgment that consent cannot be given if one party is under the influence of alcohol or drugs. This comprehensive understanding empowers teens to responsibly navigate their evolving sexuality.
This poster includes all the elements of consent in a teen friendly format.
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Visit the archived Snapshots that cover a variety of topics such as social media, mental health, friendships, bullying, substance use, vaping, consent, conflict resolution and more!
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The content provided through the Snapshots is for informational purposes only. It includes general information and does not specifically address the diverse child rearing challenges parents and caregivers may encounter. Readers are encouraged to verify information and consider their individual circumstances when making decisions. The content is not a substitute for professional advice.
*The term "parent" as used in the Snapshot is inclusive of anyone who is actively involved in raising a child, whether it be biological parents, adoptive parents, guardians, or any other caretakers.
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